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COLUMN: Why naughty or nice is a no-no

‘If you tell them that they’re bad or naughty, they don’t have any other expectation to live up to’
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During the festive season we’re all guilty of reaching for the Santa threat from time to time. “He’s watching — so you’d better be nice,” we say to our children, to better their behaviour.

As with any label though, branding our child naughty or nice (or sporty, or smart, or anything at all), can have long-term consequences, explained Allison Green, Squamish-based registered clinical counsellor and child and youth therapist.

“Those labels can start to shape their identity…. It can put limits on their potential or put pressure on them to live up to certain expectations,” she said.

If a child has always been called athletic, said Green, it can push them unnecessarily to keep excelling at sports or to continue with a sport they no longer enjoy because it’s become such a huge part of their identity.

“It also limits their potential because you often don’t see their other qualities. And when you overlook certain qualities, a child can be afraid to try something else.”

An athletic child, for example, may be more cautious to try art because it’s not who they are perceived as being and we’re unknowingly hemming them in with our expectations.

At Christmas time, for a child who worries, being threatened with Santa observing every move may create more anxiety for them, said Green.

And for those who may not live up to Santa’s behavioural benchmark, parents need to be careful that the ‘naughty’ label doesn’t become a self-fulfilling prophesy.

“If you tell them that they’re bad or naughty, they don’t have any other expectation to live up,” said Green.

At Christmas time, especially with routines being suspended with so much going on, a child’s ability to self-regulate is very low, said Green. This means that outbursts are almost inevitable.

“Everything is different and new and exciting, so we often see an escalation in behaviours around this time of year.”

Where we, as parents and adults, often fall short, is that we expect our children to be able to reel it in themselves, even when faced with seasonal sensory overload. We need to see when things are getting too much for little ones, rather than blame them when things fall apart, said Green.

“Behaviour is a way of a child communicating that they don’t feel okay. When we say you’re going to deal with that on your own, especially for young kids, they don’t know how to self regulate consistently. They need a parent or adult to help them work through that.”

In challenging situations, instead of issuing ‘naughty’ labels and time outs, we ought to personally connect with them, she said.

“We could say, “I know you’re having a hard time. I totally get it. Here are some things you can do to help.” But instead we often say, “The elf is watching,” or “Santa is watching,” and use fear to get them to do what we want them to do,” she said.

Appeal to them on an emotional level so they’re able to make the connection between what they’re doing and how it impacts others, said Green, who suggested phrases such as, “I can see you are really angry and frustrated right now.”

Then, when the child is calm, revisit what happened, and problem solve ways they could have handled the situation differently. For instance, “It is okay to be angry but it is not okay to hit. Everyone needs to feel safe and it is not safe when we hit.”

Or, “I didn’t like what you did. I still love you and will always love you, but I don’t like what you just did, it doesn’t make me feel good or it doesn’t make others feel good.”

To help make it a family Christmas to remember (for all the good reasons!), give yourself permission to put the brakes on this festive season, said Green. Ask yourself, “What is best for my child right now?” and don’t be afraid to swap out a few Christmas commitments for more time together.

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