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COLUMN: The threenager throw-down

Stay calm, don’t take it personally and add in a bit of humour
A “threenager” can be difficult to handle.

“But I don’t WANT to smell like a princess!” yelled my three-year-old niece from behind the sofa to her mom who had, by now, done and said everything she could to encourage the application of hand lotion during a fierce Chicago winter.

I smiled as I watched this outburst of “adorable attitude” as I bounced my then cute, wordless eight-month-old on my knee.

Three years later and the payback is all mine.

The eldest who, so far, has been quite willing, compliant and sweet has, seemingly overnight, morphed into a small teenager with pendulum swings of unpredictable attitude that have left me flustered and frustrated, including at a recent Christmas craft fair, where she loudly proclaimed, “I don’t LIKE it here,” and then fell to pieces when asked if she’d like to make a Christmas ornament.

Then there was the almighty battle of trying on a jacket, for which I surely earned my place in the hall of fame for less-than-perfect-parenting moments.

It was time to reach out for help.

Alex McKimm and Tsan Chester are early childhood educators with more than 30 years of experience between them, and recognise this stage – the threenager – all too well. (McKimm is also the program director of Squamish Saplings Outdoor Program.)

“They start to realise they’re separate from you. They have own agendas and their own plans which, unfortunately, don’t always coincide with yours,” explains Chester. And because they know what they want to do, but aren’t always able to do it, this often triggers tempers and tantrums, she adds.

It’s also stage during which they often test family rules and boundaries, explains McKimm. “They’re looking at how the rules apply and if are they consistent.”

For example, though you may have brushed teeth every day for years, you might suddenly find you have a mini-mutiny on your hands as your threenager is trying to suss out whether you’re really committed to seeing this through.

Though choosing your battles with threenagers might be wise, fighting over health, safety, or already-established routines and schedules isn’t ground you want to give up, explains McKimm. “If these change, it gives them a sense of insecurity because suddenly the established rules look shaky, so they’ll keep testing.”  She adds that by not wavering in these areas, parents give little ones a sense of structure and security.

Within this supportive framework offer lots of choices, suggests Chester, especially where it’s a genuine choice – one in which you don’t mind which way they choose.

Letting them take charge of their own play is also great way to give them the opportunity to run the show, she McKimm.

To build their autonomy and confidence further, Chester suggests “scaffolding.” “Set up the situation [such as getting dressed, tying shoe laces or opening the door] so that they do it in little steps at a time; or set it up so that they just do the last steps, so that they experience success without the frustration.”

If you’re faced with an emotional outburst, validate how they are feeling and help them articulate their emotions, says McKimm. “Really understand how intense their feelings are right now and try and help bring it back from there.” She suggests using phrases such as, “You seem really frustrated right now. How can I help you calm your body?” Or “Do you need some space right now?”

And, in the moment, if you’re feeling frustrated too, label it as being so, says McKimm. Really validate how you’re feeling, she explains. “This is what mommy looks like when I’m frustrated…or, I feel really frustrated that you’re crying about this because it’s something we do every day.”

By being observant of your emotions and using a varied and elaborate vocabulary with little ones, you’re teaching them how to articulate their disagreements respectively. “It’s an amazing skill to have,” says McKimm, “and can even help in adult relationships.”

Though you may feel like you’re going through an emotional wringer with a threenager in the house, remember to stay calm and don’t take it personally, says Chester. “Little ones live in the moment,” says McKimm. Follow their lead; be present, let go of what happened, move on, and have humour.

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