Kids get stressed just like grown-ups.
Children also have a knack of pushing you away when the thing they really want is to be closer and cared for. So it’s easy to miss the cues and react to subsequent behaviour instead of the actual problem, oftentimes making things worse in the process.
In fact, there are usually layers that must be peeled away like an onion before you really get to the heart of a situation.
A friend has recently been struggling with her little guy, who, after years of gleefully being her shadow, has just started kindergarten. Despite the anticipation of going to school like his big sister, when it comes time to leave the house every morning he’s fighting it tooth and nail. Quite literally.
Needless to say, mom’s exhausted, and the daily routine of distraction, physical attacks, name calling and tears is taking its toll on everyone in the house.
But getting a five-year-old to open up about what’s eating them is pretty much mission impossible. If they knew, they would probably tell you. So mom and I hashed it out, because it’s one thing to resist going to kindergarten, it’s quite another for an ordinarily sweet fellow to become moody, mean and violent, particularly toward the ones who love him most.
Kinda like when you come home from a really horrendous day at work and your sweetie offers to pour you a glass of wine and you bite their head off. Because they were being nice.
As you might guess, there’s more to the story than meets the eye – there always is. The things we adults take in stride, weigh particularly heavy on smaller shoulders. Such as the fact that this family had recently moved overseas and dad has had to stay on to wrap things up before rejoining. And that while it’s probably a lot of fun temporarily living with friends, including another child, it has also meant their belongings have remained in storage and he hasn’t seen his favourite things – things that represent security – in a over a month. Life is not only in flux, it is full of uncertainty and insecurity.
So that’s where we decided to start.
What this little guy needed was to know that he was safe, that he was loved, and that his foundation – while it may feel a bit shaky – was really very solid.
This can go for any child who is wrestling with new or unstable circumstances in their life – maybe one or both parents works crazy shifts or is away for weeks at a time. It could be a new house, changing schools, separation, loss of a loved one or a combination of the lot.
Any significant change in a child’s life can spark new, and sometimes “undesirable” behaviours.
It wasn’t going to be difficult to shift things, but it was going to take perseverance. Mom would need to be committed and willing to go that extra step. Fortunately she was.
Humans thrive on connection: Feeling known and loved. If mom could bring that to the fore, she would be more than halfway there to having her sweet little boy back.
We talked about heaping on the love, affirming their relationship and highlighting their connection.
I suggested that she tell him all the things she notices and knows about him throughout the day and especially at bedtime; tell him stories about the things they’ve done together; remind him that she’s a constant in his life with all these stories and anecdotes, to the point of going overboard, but as long as she could be sincere, she should just keep at it.
It might seem like I’m making this up, but the very next day after spending an afternoon and evening practicing all this with her son – indulging him in tales from his birth right through to their recent travels (as well as a well-timed phone call with dad), my friend texted me after dropping him off at school.
There were no tears or fights leaving the house. He calmly waited for the teacher to call his name and waved joyfully good-bye to mom for the first time since the beginning of school.
I have no doubt that things will continue to improve with constant reassurance through loving connection until he feels that safety and security is no longer in question.
And one of the best things about this remedy is that it can work with just about any relationship. So long as your approach is rooted in love and your actions and words are authentic and from the heart, you can strengthen a connection and help reframe a loved one’s perception from negative to positive in a very short amount of time. Just try it.
