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Parenting 101

Should you sleep with your baby? Play Mozart? So many decisions

Parents always desire to do their best for their children. It has always been tricky to be a good parent, but now the constant offering of expert advice makes the decision-making even more intense.

Questions abound even before conception and birth. What are the optimal diet and exercise programs for the parents to ensure the baby's health? Should you play Mozart, Handel,  Beethoven or Led Zeppelin to help the baby's neurons fire?

The options become more numerous and the decisions more difficult once the baby is born. Will you co-sleep? Breastfeed for how long? Will you pump and use a bottle so that dad can feed the baby and mom can get some sleep? How will you divide caring for your child, caring for each other, caring for the home, and working?  How long a paternity or maternity leave will you take?

With each question comes a set of assumptions based upon individual experiences, family-of-origin dynamics, and the current trends. What is normal for you might not be so for another, and recognizing this helps to avoid the misunderstandings that make the decisions fraught with possible conflict.

Perhaps the most important skill for a parent is listening. Before your child is born, practise listening to yourself. Be present to your own desires, wants and needs. Pay attention to your own emotional reactions and explore them so that you can discover what experiences and beliefs they might reflect.

Then practise listening to your partner. Attend to the emotional message as well as to the content. Notice the body's language. Is this important to your partner? Why might that be so? Ask them.

Allow yourself to explore what is revealed. Are there assumptions about being the primary caregiver? How will you split the work of caring for the baby and supporting each other financially?

This does not have to be based upon what your parents did. If you question your assumptions and determine your feelings you can create an entirely new way of managing this.

With the baby you can both practise focused, attentive listening. It will help you attune to the baby's needs, initially those of feeding, cleaning and sleeping but rapidly becoming more complicated as your child grows.

While paying close attention to your baby, continue to pay attention to yourself and your partner. Looking after an infant is wonderful, but relentless. Notice when you need to rest and pass the baby to your partner. Take care of yourself and rebalance. Helping each other adjust enables you to be more present with your child and to build a closely working team.

This practise in being present, truly listening and attempting to attune to yourself and others will enhance your experience of parenting. You focus upon the process of parenting your children and yourself.

Your skills will grow with the complexity and age of your child. By the time they are in their teens, you might even be ready for the challenges ahead. 

 

Denise Evans is is a clinical counselor with Sea to Sky Counselling.

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