Tomorrow morning, my wife and I leave for a three-week cycling adventure across Europe, and one of us is ready to go!
The other one of us is also ready to go. All he needs to do is start thinking about what to pack.
My wife packed her suitcase — I swear I am not making this up — two weeks ago.
Periodically, she adds or removes an item as she carefully considers exactly what she will need based on what she calls “clear, rational thinking” but I suspect is hormones.
I don’t trust this method. In my considerable experience, for a multi-week bike trip overseas, there are just a few essentials to remember:
• Underwear
• Bike helmet
• Uh … did I mention underwear, yet?
In my defence, let me say there are different-but-equally-valid approaches to packing for long and complicated journeys, each with its pros and cons.
For example, one way — let’s call it the “morning of” way — has the advantage of not requiring any thought or time or effort or hormones, except for a couple of terrible hours right before you leave for the airport.
Another way — let’s call it the “make me look bad” way — is pretty much what every expert traveller on the planet advises you to do. The major tenets of this approach are as follows:
Organization is everything. You can’t just throw a bunch of randomly chosen clothing into a suitcase and hope for the best, even though this is exactly what men have been doing since Adam was a lad.
First, consider the weather at your destination, the type of events and activities you plan to do, and any other special requirements, such as underwear. A thoughtful list will help you pack efficiently, ensuring you don’t overpack.
Selecting the right luggage is important. You want to make sure your suitcase a) meets your packing needs; b) meets the airline’s baggage-size policy; and c) can be found ahead of time and rat-free in the crawlspace.
On the other hand, many people get away with hauling a slightly-too-large suitcase on board along with a handbag the size of an official U.S. Marine Corps duffel bag.
The idea is to cram everything into the overhead bin before anybody else can use the space.
This has the advantage of avoiding airline baggage fees. And because it only takes a quarter hour to remove your jammed-in stuff, the people waiting behind you to deplane only miss their next flight by a few minutes.
But back to packing: If you choose a unified colour scheme for all your clothing, you can mix and match items when you get there.
The easiest colour to match is soup stain, followed by whatever that dull, greyish beige is called that hotel laundries impart to clothes.
Say goodbye to ironing during your trip by opting for fabrics that resist wrinkles. Hahaha, I’m kidding! I haven’t ironed clothes since the mid-1990s when I was struck by the thought: What’s so bad about wrinkles?
Now that I am almost 60, I can answer the question.
Fortunately, today we have a bunch of wrinkle-proof fabrics impregnated with dangerous dimethylol dihydroxyethylene urea, which produces free formaldehyde, a human carcinogen that is known to cause other harmful dermatological effects. But yay, no more ironing!
Rolling your clothes is a space-saving packing technique that minimizes wrinkles and maximizes space because it allows for efficient use of every nook and cranny in your luggage.
If rolling your clothes does not save enough space, consider burning them to ashes, which take less room and are much lighter to carry.
Footwear can be a heavy and space-consuming item, especially if you are Sasquatch-adjacent on the evolutionary tree or work as a professional clown. If so, you may want to wear your biggest shoes on the plane.
This is true of any bulky items, such as a -60 C parka for trekking across Antarctica or a glamorous multi-hoop Southern Belle ball gown.
This strategic choice not only lightens your load but also ensures you stay warm and fashionable during your plane journey while giving fellow passengers something to trip over.
Airlines recommend you keep medication with you “to ensure easy access when needed,” by which they mean “so our baggage handlers don’t steal pills.”
Because I take five different heart medications every day and carry two EpiPens, my little green carry-on bag is meth-dealer full.
Airport Security Screening Officers routinely pause on this item and give me a kind of “Are you sure you should be flying?” look before waving me on. They don’t really care — none of my drugs can blow up a plane.
Last July, a total of 193,594 passengers made their way through Victoria International Airport, a 4.9% increase over the previous July.
If we assume an equal distribution of passengers over the 31 days in the month, each day, 6,244 people travelled through YYJ with their packed bags.
Further assuming half those travellers were men means each day, 3,122 poor souls spent a couple of frightened, stressful hours desperately searching for a suitcase and then stuffing — GOOD GRIEF!!! IT’S TIME TO GO TO THE AIRPORT!
All this math has thrown off my packing method! HELP! Where is the suitcase? WHERE ARE MY UNDERWEAR?!?
