Sea to Sky Corridor residents were treated to a talk by renowned physician, speaker, TED Talk presenter and bestselling author, Gabor Maté at Myrtle Philip School in Whistler Tuesday, Sept. 23.
Co-author of Hold Onto Your Kids, with developmental psychologist Dr. Gordon Neufeld, Maté is highly sought after for his expertise on a range of topics including addiction, stress and childhood development. Last week he spoke specifically on the topics of peer orientation and why children are stressed, why parents and teachers are disempowered, and how to restore a healthy balance in adult-child relationships.
But mostly it came down to the latter. Relationships.
In the context of discipline, trust, reliance, or even simply being able to sit down at a desk ready to learn, it all comes back to this one simple thing. The best example Maté gave that night to illustrate to the adults in the room who were still scratching their heads was this (and I’m paraphrasing):
“If you are having troubles with your spouse and confide in your best friend, they don’t say ‘Have you tried a time-out? Have you sent them to their room to think about it?’ You would think they were crazy,” he explained. “Because you’re not having a compliance problem, or a discipline problem, you’re having a relationship problem. It’s the same with kids.”
And he’s right. It matters less WHY as parents we turn to so-called solutions like time-outs and punitive discipline to deal with our parent-child relationship problems, but that with this new information we recognize them for what they really are and chart a new course.
The reason I wanted to touch on this topic this week is because there were so many comments and questions that came out of Maté’s talk from parents new to his work. Parents who spoke to me said they felt and appreciated the message but in the short time he had to present were left with more questions than they came with.
How to parent – or teach – within a context of attachment on a daily basis can be challenging if you don’t have the tools.
Time-outs are an excellent example. A classic behaviour modification tool, time-outs were developed by researcher Arthur Staats in the late ’50s. At one time he described the discipline of his two-year old daughter (in 1962) by saying "I would put her in her crib and indicate that she had to stay there until she stopped crying.”
Most parents today use a more moderate version, sending their child into a designated place – maybe a naughty chair – to reflect on their behaviour. However, the act of separation, what Maté and Neufeld explain as not inviting the child in to exist in your presence, comes at a cost.
“You’re telling them you only want them, or love them, when they behave the way you want them to. They become alarmed,” Maté said, of children who by their very nature are emotionally immature. “That creates a relationship problem.”
Instead of causing a separation, which ultimately can lead to more anguish, parents can bring children close. In the case of two siblings, for example, you want to gather them both.
Did one hit the other? Tend to the injured party, mop the tears, and keep proximity with each child. Put them each on a knee, or either side of you. In the case of very young children you might want to apologize for the offender. Show compassion and remorse for the event and model the behaviour you’d like the aggressor – in this case – to show.
Some argue that time-outs do work, or 1-2-3 magic, but at what cost? Children may remain frustrated, hiding their emotion away only to take it out on a sibling, schoolmate, or teacher.
Depending on the age you might encourage them to hit or shout into a pillow or offer a stomping pad. For children six or seven years of age you can encourage them to tell you when they are feeling those sensations rise up in their body. Give them the language: ‘Mom, I’m starting to feel like I might want to kick Isabel. Can you help me?’
When raising young children we need to keep in mind that we can either escalate or de-escalate any given situation. It’s common for our own “pain bodies” as Maté explained, to become triggered and we tend to want to shame or banish children from our presence.
If we keep in mind that relationship trumps all else, preserving that becomes a bit easier. You will also quickly see the difference that it can make.
Kirsten Andrews offers Simplicity Parenting courses, workshops and private consultations in the Corridor and Lower Mainland. Visit Sea To Sky Simplicity Parenting on Facebook or www.SeaToSkySimplicityParenting.com.
