"Let's talk about sex, baby. Let's talk about you and me. Let's talk about all the good things. And the bad things that may be."
Salt 'N' Pepa's 1991 song Let's talk about sex was sex-positive for its time.
In terms of sex education, things have changed quite a bit since the 1990s, when many of today's parents were exposed to it at school.
Squamish's Tessy Vanderhaeghe is a sexual health educator in schools across the Sea to Sky Corridor and Greater Vancouver.
Originally from Belgium, she found that there were plenty of English books for parents on the topic of sex education, but she couldn't find exactly what she was looking for among French-language books, so she wrote one.
She recently published 100 petites conversations à avoir avec son enfant. (100 little conversations to have with your child.)
It’s a guide based on science for parents and trusted adults to talk with kids, from ages two to 12, about bodies, consent, emotions, and relationships, in a way that’s honest, inclusive, and age-appropriate.
The book offers “clear, positive information about how to have these conversations and how to answer kids’ questions without shame or awkwardness,” Vanderhaeghe said.
She also creates informative social media posts that even adults can learn from.
The Squamish Chief sat down with her at our office on Second Avenue for a candid talk about her book, what she teaches and what she would like parents to know.
Q: What got you interested in this type of education? Did you grow up in a really open home?
A: My mom was pretty open, so that was nice. I just didn't feel like sex was taboo. But you got sex ed, and it was terrible—the little bit we had. We didn't get a lot of information. And then you become a teenager and you speak a little less, and you aren't so open. And suddenly, some friends have a pregnancy scare, like, at 14 or 15 years old, and then they're dating guys who are too old, and you don't have the tools to know that this is not OK. I did my master's in gender studies because I was very interested in all these topics.
Q: So now you teach health in French public schools and then wrote 100 petites conversations à avoir avec son enfant, as your first book?
A: Yes. It's really a compilation of all the conversations and workshops I've done with parents over the years. As sex educators, we give a presentation to the parents and caretakers before we talk to their kids in school, so they know what we're going to talk about and how to continue this conversation at home. And I think that's where it was hard—people don't know how to have these conversations. That is the idea for the title, that the sex talk is not one 100-minute conversation, but 100 little conversations.
Q: What about age appropriateness? How do parents navigate what to say when?
A: It's really about the layering of the conversation approach. So if we're thinking that we will talk about this down the line when the kids are older, say you want to have a conversation about protection and condoms, and at age 12 you want to start talking about porn, because we know they're exposed to porn. Well, if you start at 12 with a porn conversation, that's going to be tricky. So you're going to have to think of all the conversations you want to have before that. The first thing is we need to talk about just the body, what your body is. That is going to be the body parts, and what the name for the body part is and understanding that some of these parts are private and so on.
For example, with a conversation about where babies come from, we're going to start with, we need an egg and we need a sperm. Some people have eggs, some people have sperm, and then we can build on the conversation.
Q: The porn issue is so different from when we were kids in that they can access so much now online, even if they don't have access at home. Their friends might show them on their device, for example. How can parents navigate that?
A: Part of that is starting to have conversations about bodies and sex early. If we don't give them the information they need, they're going to start looking for information elsewhere. And then you might mention that "Some kids in your school might have some phones. If you ever see something online, or you get a message from anyone that seems to make you uncomfortable, and everyone else is looking at it, and there's a peer pressure thing, you can always tell me. You're not going to be in trouble."
Sometimes, kids might see something, say, when playing a video game, but they don't want to say anything because they think they won't get to play the game anymore, for example. So saying, "You can tell me, we're going to look at how we can prevent that from happening again on that game."
Q: With porn, it seems it could be so impactful on young brains in terms of moulding how they think people should look and behave, right?
A: I was in classroom of Grade 11 and 12, and at that age, I don't need to know whether or not you're watching porn. I just look at the stats. It's having a conversation about what it says, what it represents. The porn conversation is a media literacy conversation, right?
The conversation I would have is, "Say you are on YouTube and you're watching a video. It's free, but is the person making money? How is it making money? Is the money going to the people in the video? Is that a stolen video? What do you think of the way people were represented? If you don't agree with it, each click is money. So, are you happy to give your money for what you're seeing and getting there?" Making them think about it, rather than saying it is bad or they are bad.
Q: What are some of the big things you see that parents could be doing differently when it comes to sex education with their kids?
A: The first one is that parents are very uncomfortable talking about it, which is normal, because no one told you how to have this conversation.
I would tell people to start early, because it's easier if you have these small conversations early—you can build on them. But you are a parent who hasn’t started early, don't beat yourself up. Be honest about it with your kid.
"You know what? I haven't talked about this. No one talked to me about this, and I want to change that."
Another thing parents will say is that they have had a talk with their kids about sexual health, and now they are waiting for their kids to ask them questions. This seems like a great idea, but kids don't always ask questions.
It can be a quick conversation in the car on the way to school, with the parent saying, "Hey, I read this article about porn and it said the age kids see porn is 10 or 11 years old. Do you think that's true?"
Q: There has been so much politicization around sexual health education, especially in the U.S., with protests around what is being taught. Do you ever get pushback?
A: There's been a little bit of a pushback, I would say, since towards the end of the pandemic.
I get more emails from parents than I used to, asking what we are telling kids. Like, "What are you saying about gender?"
In any school I go in, some kids are being pulled out of the classroom because there is sex ed health being taught. Health Education is mandatory in B.C. Parents can find alternative means for kids to get that education.
But somebody has to teach it.
Q: What else would you like to say?
A: There's that group of parents who think sex education is bad. It's not a lot of people, but they are very vocal. I would encourage parents and caregivers, even if they feel like they're doing all of the things around sex education at home, to keep really advocating for schools to keep doing it.
It's good for all the other kids to have that. So, I encourage parents or caretakers to keep pushing for it.
Find out more:
•Readers can get in touch with Vanderhaegheby by email: [email protected]
•Via Vanderhaeghe’s website (Where her book is available for sale)
•On her Tiktok @yes.tess
•On her Instagram at @yestess.familles,
•On Facebook at Yes Tess
