The role of stepmother is akin to that of a gardener, according to Squamish therapist Jillian Pedrick.
Like a gardener, a stepmom must put in a lot of work before any reward blossoms.
“Being a good step-parent is about the future,” said Pedrick.
“After years of consistent trust, suspicion becomes respect, becomes like, and becomes love.”
Squamish stepmom Léah Mackay puts in the time and effort for her stepson.
When contacted by The Chief, Mackay was at the Sea to Sky Gondola with her biological 11-month-old son carried in her backpack, waiting for her eight-year-old stepson’s class to arrive so she could chaperone.
“At the end of the day, being a stepmom is not what you do if you want accolades and if you want a pat on the back,” she said, “You just do it because you really love the kid and you really love the family.”
She’s been a stepmom for five years.
One of the rewarding aspects of her time with her stepson has been teaching him to read and reading to him.
“I read to him every night and I still remember that first night that he got it,” she said of the night the boy learned to read.
A carpenter by trade, Mackay also does carpentry projects with her stepson and takes him with her on some jobs.
“One of my greatest privileges is I get to take him to work. I bought him a tiny little tool belt,” she said. “I take the skills that I have and try to apply them to him and that is what creates our bond; that makes us different and I am sure that his mom takes the skills that she has and applies them and same with his dad, and that is what makes each individual relationship special.”
Stepmoms get up in the night when their stepchild is sick; they hold tiny hands, wipe bottoms and noses and they endure the ups and downs of raising adolescents, but chances are they will be without that child this Mother’s Day as children in blended families typically spend the day with their biological mom.
The father in the family hopefully recognizes the importance of the stepmom’s role on the day, Pedrick said. She also advises step-parents treat themselves lovingly.
“A lot of self-care is important,” she said. “It is often quite difficult, especially with the financial crunch that often comes with [blended families], but having a little space… making sure the stepmother keeps her friends in place, and her own support system.”
Stepmoms who view themselves as role models, similar to an aunt, more than as a parent, may experience less conflict than those who see themselves as a mom, Pedrick said.
Stepmom Jordie Charette agrees. Her eight-year-old stepdaughter lives primarily in Surrey with the girl’s mom.
‘You really need to get to know the child and learn what they like and don’t like and earn their trust,” she said.
“You can’t really overstep your boundaries and just step in and play mom. You need to earn their trust, love them and listen when they need it, depending on the age.”
Michelle Cormier has been a stepmom for eight years and seems to have as ideal a blended family as can be created.
She and her husband have shared custody of a stepson and stepdaughter and depending on whose week it falls on, she will have her stepkids on Mother’s Day. And she seems to have a remarkable relationship with her stepchild’s biological mom.
“Last year the mom sent me the most beautiful Facebook message… saying, ‘Thank you for being a part of my kids’ lives and they love you,’” she said.
The families even have dinners and attend events together.
“We could either rock the boat or we could make it all about the kids,” she said, acknowledging that she knows most blended families don’t have as harmonious a relationship.
“We’re not typical and we know that,” she said with a laugh.
Pedrick advises women just starting out on the stepparent journey to manage expectations.
“You are going through all the crises at the same time,” she said. “You’ve moved in together, you have children…. Even if your relationship with them up to that point was fabulous… everybody drops into conflict.”
Ultimately, the moms and counsellor Pedrick agree the role of stepmom is a special one.
“Loving someone with no promise of return is a real sacred kind of love,” Pedrick said.
Kristin Wilkes met her now husband when his daughter was two years old, more than a decade ago. When the couple married they wrote their own vows not only to each other, but Wilkes exchanged vows with her stepdaughter.
“I basically said, ‘I promise to honour your relationship with your mother and not to try to be your mother and I promise to honour your relationship with your father by supporting him to be the best father he can and… the third line was I promise to be an example and a role model in your life and support you the best that I can.”
While there have been ups and downs along the way she recalls special moments when her stepdaughter would tell people she had three parents.
“That was pretty rewarding for me,” Wilkes said. “I am still really proud she felt that way.”
