I teared up twice during my first session with fitness trainer Hailey Cole.
As she did her base assessment of my fitness goals about 12 weeks ago, she asked what might hold me back from achieving success and before I knew it, tears were blurring my vision.
“My lack of self-esteem,” I whimpered, swallowing hard, embarrassed.
This was supposed to be a fitness session, not a therapy appointment, for goodness sake.
My goal was to get stronger and feel better in my own skin.
I also sat down with a dietician and therapist to figure out how an average Squamish person – not an elite athlete – can be fit and feel good.
To be clear, my goal was not to create a “before” and “after” that showed me heavy and then thin.
That is not a body image message I want anything to do with, frankly.
This journey was about charting an achievable, long-lasting healthy path at the weight I am.
My goal for the end of the 12 weeks was, as I stated to Cole, to feel like my body is stronger; that I can run 10k at the gym without feeling like I may lose my lunch; to sit taller and feel less jiggly.
As background, this year has been a transformative one: my grown children have left home; and I am “enjoying” many peri-menopause symptoms, including a new jiggle around my middle. I am not heavier than one year ago, but things have — er — moved.
That isn’t cool.
I also wanted to improve my balance so I can paddleboard with ease next summer.
I tried three times last summer and fell off the board as if I had slipped on a banana peel.
Basically, I wanted my outside to match my inside.
The woman inside is excited every day by what the world has to offer and loves all things outdoors especially hiking, kayaking and riding my bike (cruiser not mountain).
When Cole asked me what would stop me from achieving my goals, one thousand voices filled my head. The same voices I bet many Squamish woman and men recognize. The voices that say you are no athlete, are unattractive and should just not try.
Squamish gyms are not the run-of-the-mill gyms of the city with people of all shapes and sizes stopping by for a quick workout after a day at the office.
At Mountain Fitness the first day I met with Cole were Miranda Miller (just after she became world mountain bike champion) and a stuntman training for a production. Yikes, talk about intimidating.
Squamish is so full of amazing athletes doing amazing things and that is fantastic.
But the focus on elite-level sports does leave an average person who wants to be reasonably fit, feeling a little on the fringe.
Helen Croza, Squamish psychotherapist, says that the painful trap she sees women fall into is comparing themselves with others.
“Compare and despair,” she calls it.
“Beating ourselves up, judging, criticizing… is never the answer. Instead, be very kind and then, be honest with yourself,” she said.
Keep the focus off of others at the gym or pool. “Stay connected to how you are feeling,” Croza added.
But it isn’t easy, she acknowledged.
“Refocusing your thoughts and changing the habit to compare and judge takes real effort,” she said. “Inner work can be just as exhausting as working out.”
Cole also helped me quiet the voices in my head after our first session when she emailed me later that day.
“No other body in this world has been through what your's has,” Cole wrote. “I truly believe that the most enduring and meaningful changes we make in life come from a place of love, when you love your body you will do good things for it… Know that in this journey, bad days will happen, but when you are kind to yourself, that is the ultimate healthy habit we should all hope to form.”
Other mental exercises over our time together included writing down what I said to myself when I had bad moments at the gym. What I wrote about myself was painful to read: phrases like “ugly pig” and “weak, frumpy mom.”
Things I would never think — nevermind say — to anyone else, but I think are common to many of us.
To counter those thoughts, Cole had me say positive things I didn’t believe, but that eventually made me feel better, like, “You are doing great,” “You got this,” and “You are beautiful.”
Newsflash — the better you feel about yourself, the more you stick to your exercise routine.
She also helped me let go of the constant nagging negative feeling that showing signs of growing older in our culture causes.
A quote Cole passed on is useful for life in general and really helped me let go of a self-loathing for doing the most human of all things; aging.
“In fall the leaves begin to turn colour and drop from the trees, and the branches just let them go. They don’t try to hang on to them, they just let them float away.”
So true.
During this process, I also tried rock climbing for the first time and bought a kayak.
I have also let go of my phobia of unnatural water sources too and now hit the pool as often as I can.
So fun.
Diet
Full disclosure: when I went to see Squamish dietitian Kavanagh Danaher, I didn’t think I would learn anything I didn’t already know. She would tell me to eat my veggies and I would get a meal plan and get back on track. But I was wrong.
I learned a lot, even in our first meeting. Things everyone should know.
She taught me to gauge my hunger, something I had never done before. I was used to counting calories and watching my junk food intake. Danaher made me tune in to my body, and listen. Sounds simple, but often as moms, we tend to put our needs— whether they are for food, attention or support — at the bottom of the list. After more than 22 years of being a mom, tuning in to see what I needed or wanted feels foreign.
Cooking is a chore for me, so after my sons moved out, I reverted back to my university days of eating yogurt and then a piece of fruit, and then a bag of chips and then… you get the idea. Danaher also had me chart how “present” I was while eating too. Turns out, not at all. I was eating at my desk, in the car or while watching TV.
With our busy schedules, my partner usually eats his meals on the go as well, so dinner at home together at night is almost unheard of these days. My daily food diary went something like, “English muffin with peanut butter, fruit, Lean Cuisine lunch, M&Ms, can of soup and a bowl of yogurt; European hot dog.”
Yeah, embarrassing.
Danaher taught me I needed more fibre, fat, and protein in my diet.
Fibre from: vegetables, whole grains, nuts and seeds, and legumes.
Fat from: nuts and seeds, vegetables, full-fat dairy, and meat.
Protein from: whole grains, nuts and seeds, dairy, meat, eggs, and legumes.
Danaher said not to try and change everything about the way I eat at once, I would get overwhelmed and give up.
I am focusing on eating a better-balanced breakfast, drinking more water and choosing snacks from the fibre, fat and protein list. It is a work in progress, but I feel more energetic than I did before I started with Danaher.
Fitness lessons
What I learned from my work with Cole is that shaking when exercising with weights (or bands or medicine balls) is good.
For someone like me who is trying to kick start my metabolism, long walks of one or two hours are better than a half an hour burst of running.
My routine from Cole switches every three weeks, but always includes a few gym sessions a week, several low cardio sessions, Yoga about five times a week and being more mindful going through my day — no slouching.
Some of my routines were with weights, some with exercise bands, some with medicine balls. The change keeps it interesting.
I have always avoided yoga ( it seemed a bit too crystal-rock-rubbing for me) but those days are over. I started with beginner yoga videos at home —Yoga with Adrienne. Her videos are all free on YouTube and range from very basic to advanced.
My dog is not sure what to make of it all but sits in the middle of the mat to watch my ungraceful contortions.
My journey to better health isn’t over; I imagine it never will be. But 12 weeks in, I feel better and have more energy than when I started.
And though I will never be an elite athlete, I have stopped comparing myself to them and have taken my rightful place at my Squamish gym — see you there.
