Dear Lisi: My wife is miserable. She has decided she’s in menopause even though she’s only in her early-40s and still gets her period regularly. We’re in a same-sex marriage. I’m in my late-40s and have legitimately entered menopause.
I went to my doctor, we ran tests, and I’m checking off the criteria. Fortunately, my symptoms aren’t that bad and I’m managing. My wife refuses to go to the doctor because she thinks the doctor will tell her otherwise. She doesn’t have hot flashes or insomnia.
However, she is overweight. And she’s blaming it on menopause. Truth is, she doesn’t exercise and she indulges in not-so-healthy snacking. I go to the gym almost daily and am more thoughtful about what I eat because that’s how I choose to live.
Her weight is not an issue for me. But it is for her. How do I get her to just take responsibility and not use menopause as her excuse?
Spongy Spouse
To be clear, menopause officially starts one full year (12 months) after a woman’s last period. The years leading up to that point, when women may have changes in their monthly cycles, hot flashes, or other symptoms, are called perimenopause. This life stage most often begins between ages 45 and 55, but can start earlier based on genetics, medical history and many other factors.
Your wife may very well be in perimenopause, but that’s not for me to confirm. Obviously, her body changes are what’s affecting her the most. Instead of dismissing her, support her. Hear her out. Ask her why she’s convinced and why she won’t get medical confirmation.
Try making a plan together that satisfies both your needs. Work together through this time of change. Be patient and understanding. Some people accept ageing more gracefully than others.
Dear Lisi: I am the newcomer to my husband’s friends as this is the second marriage for us both. They have a long history together, friends since high school and college. They are all in their 80s now. I’m younger by more than a decade.
Pre-COVID-19, we took turns entertaining each other in our homes. They have all been nice to me although they have absolutely no interest in learning about me. When I’m around they continuously talk about people and events that are unfamiliar to me.
They regularly email each other but don’t include me. My husband forwards me these emails and always includes me in his responses to them. So, I see their news even though they didn’t send it to me.
Is it appropriate for me to respond to them? Are they being rude? Am I? Or am I being snubbed?
Dissed and Missed
Generally speaking, the older we get, the more stuck in our ways we become. And with technology moving so quickly, many older people get easily overwhelmed with all the change and stick to what they know.
That’s my way of saying, maybe your husband’s friends just can’t be bothered to include you in their emails. Maybe they don’t even know how.
And since they’ve all been friends for as long as you’ve been alive, they obviously have lots of stories before you came on the scene. Maybe they just can’t be bothered to give you all the backstory each and every time they mention someone else.
My advice: Don’t take any of it personally.
If your husband sends you an email that interests you, respond. But since they didn’t send it to you, you have no obligation to reply. Do whatever feels right to you. And don’t waste your energy on them. Enjoy your husband.
FEEDBACK regarding the older woman receiving sexts from her nephew (Nov. 18):
Reader No. 1– “I’m pretty sure they don’t have to go to the hassle of changing their numbers. They can simply block him. It’s easy to do on any cellphone. Any teenager can help you in a second.”
Lisi – Yes. I forgot about that feature, and it’s a much better idea than changing your number. Thanks for the reminder.
Reader No. 2 – “There may be some underlying issues with this nephew. The letter writer mentioned alcoholism, and he may also have a sexual addiction. It may be helpful for him to talk to a sex addiction therapist to see if he has an issue, before getting the police involved.”
Lisi – The man needs help, no question. That’s not the letter writer’s problem. Nor do I think she should engage with him in any way.
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca.
