Dear Ellie: My husband died in 2018 after battling progressive Multiple Sclerosis for nearly 25 years. Towards the end it was very difficult as he became combative and distant.
A few years before he died his favourite aunt passed away, leaving him $150,000, which he then left to me in his will. He had invested wisely and the original amount grew considerably over the years.
Now, five years later, two of his brothers are questioning the fact that the money that was willed to my husband by his aunt, was then left to me.
They seem to feel that the funds should be turned over to them, or at least given back to my husband’s side of the family. (Note: These family members are comfortable financially.)
All of this is making me extremely uncomfortable as well as resurrecting some of the grief and anxiety I felt during my husband’s long illness and subsequent death.
How do I handle this with my husband’s family?
A Widow’s Dilemma
I’m going to presume that you have a trusted lawyer regarding your own will, and that it’s unrelated to the wishes and ambitions of your husband’s family members. If not, interview and select a lawyer familiar with wills within your legal jurisdiction, immediately.
You need a clear understanding and proof of the specific bequest your late husband made to you and you only.
Those self-interested relatives have a poor excuse for trying to enrich themselves further, by saying that the aunt’s will naming their brother while he was alive, did NOT allow him to pass that bequest onto his relatives.
Instead, he specifically chose to leave that money to you, his wife, after he died.
Perhaps the brothers, aware of your late husband’s difficult moods and pain during his illness, are focusing on that period as a time when they’re doubting his decisions.
If that’s the case, you may want to talk to the specialist who treated your husband during his illness, in order to clear up or probe that perception.
Meanwhile, I respect that you nevertheless would like to find a way to “handle” this matter with the brothers. Your lawyer (who must be unconnected with your husband’s family) should be able to provide a clear statement of legal fact, that the money left to you is yours and only yours.
You don’t mention children of your own. This, then, may be an appropriate time for you to closely consider what you now want for your own will… perhaps leaving money, art, significant objects to your family’s side, or even to nieces and/or nephews among your husband’s relatives, if you have a relationship with them.
FEEDBACK regarding the comments from Feedback #3, (Nov. 21):
Reader – “I read with some amusement regarding a sister who had a rough relationship with the family dog. Yet by putting on her husband’s sweater the problem was solved!
“I had a similar situation with my infant grandson. I was looking after the boys as my daughter was spending a few days in hospital, but the baby didn’t want to settle down.
“In desperation, I grabbed an old sweater that my daughter often wore, picked up the baby and miraculously, he settled.
“That baby is now 35 and we often joke about this incident. I think his mom may even still have that sweater!”
Many Thanks
Dear Ellie: My partner’s a wonderful man and we love each other. But we live in different countries.
We’ve lived long-distance for two years. He wants me to move because he has an excellent job there, but I also have an excellent job. And I don’t speak his country’s language.
Our discussions about the future include fear and anxiety, big arguments and hurts.
I love this man, but feel increasingly strained and exhausted.
Should I stay or should I go?
Where there’s mutual love, you need to know it in your mind, trust, and resolve.
Someone must take the first step. You’re the one who raised the ultimate question.
Sign on for learning the basics of everyday language - e.g., greetings, the weather, asking location of a building, or a store, or a restaurant, etc.
Stay with him for a two-week holiday. Meet for lunch, walk together, explore your surroundings. Fully experience living there together, without the constant option of changing your mind.
Then, decide the future together.
Ellie’s tip of the day
When a family dispute revolves around a disputed bequest in a legal will, don’t get anxious. Find a trusted lawyer who handles legal wills as part of their law practice.
Send relationship questions to ellie@thestar.ca.
