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Ask Ellie: Take the experience, memories and happy loving feelings, and put them in your past

I actually believe it’s easy to be in a committed relationship but fall in love with someone else when there’s distance involved.

Dear reader: As I noted in an earlier column, my daughter, Lisi, will be handling the writing duties a few times a week. Enjoy her take on today’s questions.


Dear Lisi: My boyfriend of several months, whom I like a lot, has just informed me that he already has a serious long-term girlfriend. What?!?

We both finished university, in separate countries, and met while doing an internship program abroad. There were people from all over the world, all in our early to mid-20s. We lived together as a group, working in various programs within a larger program.

My boyfriend and I hit it off right away, became great friends quickly, and the flirtation turned into romance within a short time. We have a great relationship!

Our program ended and we both went to our respective homes, with lots of discussion on how and when we would see each other next and going forward. Upon my arrival home, a good friend invited me to her wedding. I begged her to let me bring a plus one and then invited him. I was so excited with the prospect of an actual date on the calendar for his arrival!

And then he told me about her — his serious long-term girlfriend. And just like that, we were done.

How and why can a guy (or girl) be so completely involved and committed to someone while maintaining another serious relationship?

Dumped and devastated

That’s an awful story and I’m sorry you were so misled. I actually believe it’s easy to be in a committed relationship but fall in love with someone else when there’s distance involved. Especially in youth. Your program sounded intense with lots of togetherness. That breeds a heightened closeness that speeds up timelines, i.e., romance, friendship, etc.

I have no doubt he fell in love with you and loved you. I have no doubt he wanted to spend more time with you… if he had the time. But your relationship was in the moment, for him, away from his “real” life and his girlfriend.

Take the experience, memories and happy loving feelings, and put them in your past. It’s over.

Dear Lisi: My mom is causing me extreme embarrassment and I don’t know what to do. She’s stopped shaving her armpits, but she continues to wear tank tops and sleeveless. And she’s very expressive, so she’s always waving her arms around.

I think it’s totally disgusting and, by the end of the day, she doesn’t smell pretty. I’ve told her my thoughts; I’ve begged her to go back to her hygiene routine, but she’s not listening.

What do I do?

Disgusted daughter

To each their own, my dear. Personally, I don’t like the look of hairy armpits either. I don’t find it appealing. But I’m conditioned to think it’s normal for men, so I don’t blink.

You’ve told her how you feel; she isn’t changing back. Now you have to figure out how to live with it because she has every right to do what she wants with her body.

You could have a healthy discussion,and maybe, because she’s your mom, she’ll agree to wear cap sleeves when you’re together. Or not.

But definitely help her find a longer lasting deodorant (if she doesn’t have a medical or personal reason to not use one) so her body odour isn’t offensive to anyone.

Good luck!

Dear Lisi: Last week, I was asked out on a blind date. He’s the brother of my older sister’s friend, whom I know and like.

The date was a disaster from the minute he rang the bell! He’d invited me downtown to a popular patio for dinner. I dressed appropriately: chic, did my hair, put on some makeup.

He arrived looking completely dishevelled, in a sweatshirt that was way too small. I ignored his initial appearance, though made a mental note that he obviously had put in zero effort to impress.

He opened the door to his truck and a waft of something horrific escaped. He apologized that he’d forgotten to remove his sweaty hockey gear. I got in but rolled down the windows completely.

It went from bad to worse. We made it through dinner, but I asked him to take me home right away.

To my shock, he seemed surprised!

What am I missing?

Date from hell

Great story! You know he’s not for you, so if he calls again just say no thanks. If his sister asks, just say you didn’t feel a spark. Leave it at that. They’ll get the hint.

Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email:

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