It’s almost impossible not to lavish praise on our children. But mounting research suggests that rather than boosting our child’s confidence, our constant compliments may be creating praise junkies with low self-esteem who are terrified of challenge and failure.
Carol Dweck, a Stanford University psychologist who has studied the power of praise, became curious why some students persisted in the face of failure while others quit when things got tough.
Those who quit, she discovered, felt intelligence was fixed and couldn’t be improved. They placed a high value on success and felt that failing – or even having to try hard – would be perceived as low intelligence.
In contrast, those who persisted saw intelligence as incremental and seemed unthreatened by failure, Dweck said.
The way in which they were praised as children, she said, may be a clue to this mindset.
For example, if we applaud good grades over the hard work behind them, she said, what the child hears is, “If success means I’m smart, then failure must mean I am dumb.” This sort of praise may unknowingly lead children into believing that intelligence is fixed, she said. Their self-esteem peaks in the presence of praise but plummets without it, and they feel pressured to protect their ‘smart’ label, making them more reluctant to take on challenges for fear of failing.
Conversely, Dweck noted, children praised for their effort rather than the result had a stable self-esteem and were more likely to relish challenges.
It’s something Lorraine Teanby, executive director of Platypus Playcentre in Squamish, recognizes. “If you say things like, ‘You got an A+ on that report, I’m really proud of you,’ that child will then strive to get A+ to please the parent, and if they fail they feel like a failure internally… it lowers their self-esteem.
“Whereas, if you were to say, ‘Wow, you worked really hard and you got an A+, you must feel really proud of yourself,’ that puts it back on the child…. It helps them feel really proud of themselves and promotes self-esteem.”
Emma Moses, a speech-language pathologist and behavioural consultant and a mother of three, agrees. “We want our children to value their own effort as opposed to the outcome,” she said.
“If I child gets 10 out of 10 for a spelling test they’ve worked hard on, fantastic. Go for gold and say how brilliant they are. But if it’s a case of saying you’re so clever because you brushed your teeth…I think that’s where it’s gone off the rails a bit, when ordinary tasks have become monumental achievements,” she commented.
Musical instruments, Moses explained, are a great tool for teaching children that improvement comes through effort. “When you’ve practised the piano and get really comfortable playing the piece, it’s the joy of being able to play it that is the reward.”
Squamish’s Mini Metal and Youth Triathlon are also great opportunities for children to learn the value of effort and personal best, without necessarily winning, she said. “Coming last… or even just making it up the hill on your bike is the reward. I think that’s what you want to teach kids – that effort and completion is accomplishment, not accomplishment itself.”
Retraining our auto-praise-pilot takes practice, however, it’s worth it, said Teanby. Offering encouragement over praise helps boots self-esteem, self-awareness and self-regulation, and supports children in becoming emotionally grounded, she explained.
When a child asks, “Do you like my painting?” Teanby said, “my response would be, ‘You‘ve used lots of colours and you’ve worked really hard on that painting. Do you like your painting?’ and then they might respond, ‘Yes I do.’ Then you could say, ‘Good for you.’”
Or, rather than saying, “That’s a beautiful drawing, aren’t you fabulous?” Moses suggests saying, “I see there’s some yellow, tell me about that.”
If asked by a child whether you like their dress, Teanby’s response would be: “You’re wearing a dress with flowers today.”
She explained: “If you say you like their dress, another child might wonder why you haven’t said you like their dress, which again affects self-esteem. Or the next day, you may not comment to that child about the clothing they’re wearing, which then makes them internalize those feelings because they’re looking to you for that acknowledgement or praise that they’re so pretty.”
Encouraging language can also help support a child through challenges. Teanby suggests saying, “I’m right here with you, I’m right here next to you…. Let’s do this together, I’m here to help you.”
If they’re experiencing nerves before a swimming lesson, Moses suggests saying: “‘We’re going to take big, deep breaths. You can look at me, I’m going to be waiting for you, waving to you from the pool. I know you can do it. Have brave thoughts.’”
Supportive language can be empowering, especially for anxious children, said Moses; teaching them the ability to regulate calmness will serve them throughout life.
She added, “It’s also really important for children to see their parents challenge themselves,” and for them to not always be successful, to try again and for that to be OK.
She gives the example of a father baking a cake for the first time. “Dad’s making a cake, and he’s never cooked a cake in his life, but wow, look at Dad.” And if the cake doesn’t turn out, that’s OK, she said, because it’s the language we use to support our partners while trying that matters.
Remain positive if mistakes are made, said Teanby. She suggests saying: “You tried. You must feel really proud of yourself that you tried. We can try again tomorrow.”
Stacey Tucker, a mother of two, learned during her Early Childhood Education training in Australia that there was more to be offered than simply praise.
In response to her two active boys who love taking jumps on their bikes, she explained, “I’ll say to them, ‘How did that feel?’ And they might say, ‘It was a bit scary actually,’ or, ‘It feels really fun.’ Had I said, ‘Good job,’ I would have not given them that opportunity… so I ask them a lot about how it feels.”
They also both love Lego but rather than simply admiring what they build, she said, “I’ll wander over and say…‘Can you tell me what’s happening here?’ or ‘What happens if I go through this door?’”
Using language like this, she said, helps eight-year-old Gus and five-year-old Henry feel personal pride and supports them in challenging situations which, for Henry, might be the frustration of learning to write his name. Acknowledging feelings and working together to find a solution helps him figure out the next step, which can sometimes be a fresh sheet of paper or just some space to try again, Tucker said.
Parenting is about doing your personal best, said Teanby.
And although Tucker has been practising encouragement over praise for years, ‘Good boy’ still occasionally sneaks out – because, she said, we’re only human.
