I aim to have integrity with my word. As don Miguel Ruiz writes in The Four Agreements, it's crucial to "be impeccable with your speech." Some say one's word is the only thing we have in this world that can point to who we are. While not exactly tangible, it's pretty close.
For a child to understand this, as well as comprehend why it is wrong to tell lies, or when an apology may best be offered, he needs to possess an internal sense of morality. It takes time to build that inner code. Years, actually.
The fastest way to become capable of embodying such ethics is by seeing parents operating in the world with compassion and by honouring one's own word. For example, we all want apologies to be heartfelt. Everyone has been on the receiving end of a flippant "Oh, sorry!" when you know for a fact that person is much more interested in knowing if he/she, too, can have a Hello Kitty Band-Aid even though he/she isn't the one bleeding. It doesn't make a dent when it's not sincere.
Lacking integrity in this way can also be as simple as not following through on a promise, missing a deadline (assuming you agreed to it), or blatantly committing to something you have no intention of doing. The key is to re-establish your integrity by acknowledging what you have done.
To hear mom or dad say, "I'm sorry I don't know what I was thinking, I was wrong to assume you rode your bike into the van on purpose," or, "I know you are disappointed, I am too, but we can't have ice cream now after you just karate-kicked your brother in the throat everyone is too wound up," sends a clear message. So does, "I apologize, I really didn't mean to step on your puppet show (even if it was in the middle of the kitchen floor)" or asking for forgiveness for accusing your husband of purposely not taking out the garbage on pick-up day.
Sticking to one's word and admitting when we are wrong is a lesson children need to learn, though in the early years they will experiment with every shade of grey in between to see how much they can get away with. My children are really testing that these days, though it totally helps that they believe I have eyes in the back of my head.
The first time I said it and my then-toddler took me at my word, I thought, "This could so work to my advantage!" Since then, like most moms, I've employed my intuition, keen nose and sensitive hearing countless times. And when I catch someone with her hand in the proverbial cookie jar, even with my back turned, the children's belief in my second set of eyes is affirmed.
I'm going to milk that for as long as possible. I won't lie to you.
Kirsten Andrews offers courses, workshops and private consultations on Simplicity Parenting in the Corridor. New classes begin this fall, with early-bird rates being offered. For info visit www.SeaToSkySimplicityParenting.com, like it on Facebook or email [email protected].
