A few weeks ago I attended the lighting of the Squamish Hospice Society’s Memory Tree to take photos for the newspaper. The tree is a way for people to remember someone they have lost. While Hospice might be best known for helping those in palliative care, it also provides bereavement support.
Grief is difficult at any time, but if you talk to anyone who has suffered a loss, events like birthdays or Christmas can make the hurt much worse.
We don’t always grieve well, at least when compared with some cultures; we often send the message to keep a stiff upper lip, to just get over it. One reason I loved the HBO show Six Feet Under was that it brought the after-effects of death into the open.
Things have changed some since Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s 1969 book, On Death and Dying, which posed the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. However, the idea that grief comes in clear stages, with beginnings and endings, and in some kind of order, has come into question. People in grief support often speak of experiencing these things according to no particular pattern, or in waves, or grief reappearing years after they’ve accepted the loss, often after a new death occurs.
They often speak of how the people they thought were close provided little support, while other times they would receive kindness from unexpected sources, often from those who had lived through something similar. It’s all the more reason for services like grief support.
Grief is a messy business. It’s not simple or predictable. Everyone experiences it differently, and while counsellors or peer support often describe grief as “work,” this should not imply it is a task to complete as quickly as possible.
If Kübler-Ross’s five stages seem too clear-cut now, she does deserve credit for bringing grief into the public realm, which is no small feat because all too often, it is a private struggle.
I know the Christmas season is supposed to be full of cheer, but for many, it’s a time that brings an overwhelming sense of loss. That’s all part of the process though, so maybe I’ll wish people as happy a holiday as they can possibly manage – no pressure – and here’s to better days ahead.
