OPINION: Tourists: don’t come to Squamish

Tourists, here’s why you shouldn’t come: Squamish’s pretentious fitness mountain culture risks alienating many honest, non-hardworking people who prefer to watch mould grow between their toes rather than get on a treadmill.

Now that summer’s just around the corner, an insidious new problem lurks in the shadows, ready to pounce.

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A local culture of constant exercise and physical activity will be reasserting itself as the nice weather becomes more consistent.

As a result, those of you who prefer to vegetate at home with a remote control and a Netflix subscription will be subject to a stream of laziness-shaming. It’s barbaric.

In Squamish, the standard is much too high.

It’s typical for the average person here to climb the Stawamus Chief four times a day, then hike it an additional five, while wearing a weighted vest and carrying — but not riding — a mountain bike at the same time, then riding that bike up and down half Nelson, then Tinder, then just doing the whole Sp’akw’us circuit (the hardest one) for fun, followed by an evening of kiteboarding across Howe Sound with sharks.

Yes, this is what the least fit of us can accomplish, so there’s no way you can possibly come here and compete.

So go home and quietly resent these hyper-fit pretentious people who are so preoccupied with their health.

These people are shallow — avoid them at all costs by not coming to Squamish.

Remember, there is virtue in perfecting the body-crease that you have so lovingly imprinted onto the couch over the seven-month period in which the sun has been slightly less consistent than it should be.

Why experience planet earth when you can watch Our Planet on Netflix, and experience it instead in high definition?

Shockingly, these pretentious locals don’t enjoy receiving gifts of human feces strewn randomly on trails and boulders, something which I understand is a sign of hospitality from where you come from.

These horrible, backwards people also seem to hate garbage, an item which I understand is the highest token of respect which you folks normally throw in places you adore.

They also seem to hate excessive parking, another activity which I understand you tourists seem to love.

‘Aren’t the great outdoors a perfect opportunity to get some healthy fresh air?’ you might ask.

Well, I got news for you.

The sun is bad for you, wildfire smoke will choke out your lungs, all our sports are dangerous and you’ll probably stub your toe on the trails here too.

The best thing you can do is stay home away from Squamish.

Let these pretentious locals, for once, be burdened by a backcountry system free of overparking, garbage and human feces.

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