Dear Mother Nature: Ha ha, the joke’s over now.
Please return Squamish to its usual milder and personally more preferable winter weather. Same bat time. Same bat channel.
It was super-hilarious that on Dec. 24, my friends in Montreal were golfing in shorts while I was shovelling snow. Boy, you sure pranked us. I mean, usually I get to gleefully brag about the green grass and warm temperatures to my freezing friends back home.
But, no, not this year. No, this year I had to wear long underwear. Long underwear! Like I was a frontiersman out hunting muskrat or something.
Personally, I blame Kirby Brown at the Sea to Sky Gondola who in the fall told me he hoped for a lot of snow this year for the venue’s tube park. Last year, there wasn’t much of the white stuff, so I guess he spoke to the right folks and got old Mother Nature to give us some extra powder. Gee, thanks man, I so enjoy scraping the car and shivering while waiting for my dog to pick a spot to pee at night.
Don’t get me wrong – my kids have totally been enjoying the extra-wintry winter and have whooped and hollered down the gondola’s tube park. I’m a 46-year-old man, though, and I don’t whoop or holler like I used to in the old days. I barely even yipee these days.
I moved here years ago to avoid this kind of weather, though, and I’m kind of anxious for things to get back to normal.... Y’know, Vancouver and Squamish normal, where people wear shorts all winter. Well, the crazy people do, but I like it.
What I don’t like is slipping on ice because I don’t have proper winter boots (I’ve never needed ’em, really) and wiping out spectacularly, ripping my fingers open in the process on jagged icicles. Such fun. Such joy. Oh, how I laughed. Not.
So, Mother Nature, while it’s been a real slice, and I’m sure lots of folks have been just praising you up and down for the epic winter action; please, for the love of God, make it stop!
Yours truly, Steven
