It’s easy to be a feminist when you’re a teenager. At 18, I was an ardent one, fuelled by the confidence teachers had given me. I was certain that I was as capable as my brother and male classmates. My parents assured me I was.
I set out to university, determined to make a difference in the world. I wore very little makeup and rarely donned dresses or high heels. I had already witnessed the abuse that many women endure, and I was adamant that my life would be better.
I was determined to remain independent, but I did date boys. Then I met my late husband, who was so kind and supportive, I even agreed to marry and have children. He could cook and care for a family as well as I could, so it seemed I could remain a feminist.
But I learned that it’s tough to be a feminist in the real world. When you’re pregnant, people see you only as a baby machine, as that giant womb is disturbingly evident. When you have a child, people assume that being a mother is your only goal, even if you head straight back to work weeks after giving birth. The truth is, most parents –men and women – continue to work and need both the income and the intellectual stimulation a career provides, even if they love raising their children.
As the household became busy, we assumed different tasks for greater efficiency. He mowed the lawn and fixed things with tools; I did the laundry. It made sense to divide tasks based on our strengths, but eventually, I no longer remembered how to start the lawnmower or use a drill.
And I began to embrace femininity, to wear dresses, makeup and high heels.
Today, feminism remains a challenge. With my husband gone, I am now figuring out how to react to the men who treat women with the greatest courtesy, opening doors for us, paying the bills in restaurants, offering to help with home repairs. If we accept traditional roles, can we still be feminists? Or should we simply view these courtesies as human kindness?
Uncertain, I recently held the car door open for a man who had been treating me this way.
He loved it. No one had ever done this for him.
Nothing is better than real courtesy. When we have full respect for each other, at work and at home, there will be no need for feminism. We will have achieved equality.
