How is it that some couples are obviously happy together and others struggle? Have you ever wondered? The answer is that happy couples actively create a satisfying relationship.
An important element in a happy relationship is to make spending time together a priority every day. As many people have schedules that don't synchronize well, this can be difficult. Regardless of the barriers, people who take time to share small daily details of their lives and how they feel about them build intimacy and trust with each other. If necessary this can take place on the telephone, or over the Internet.
When we are sharing our day, our partner needs to show us that he or she is listening with respect and caring. We do this through the quality of our attention. We stop what we are doing and look at our partner. We offer soft touches or murmurs. When our partner is finished speaking, we respond to what they have said rather than with a story of our own. Our close attention and response enable our partner to feel safe disclosing to us. Over time this respect and safety build such deep intimacy that the couple maintain emotional contact regardless of geographical distance or time apart.
Another key to creating a happy, fulfilling relationship is to both work and play together. Many couples understand the necessity of working together in building their lives, but lose the necessity of playing. Play, as adults, includes everything from mountain biking to enjoying the opera; from walking along the river to reading together. It is any shared activity that is pleasurable for both of you - and that includes (and helps create) a playful sexual relationship.
Another important element is to learn how to repair the ruptures in your relationship. All relationships struggle with breaches in trust. Managing the cycle of resolving anger and not allowing resentment to dominate in your relationship is vital. If you have tended your relationship with time, conversation and play, you will probably feel safe to tell your partner when you are hurt or angry. Ask him or her for what you need. Accept his or her apology and forgive. For this to succeed, you must feel listened to and your partner must be sincerely sorry and change her/his behaviour. You allow yourself to trust again and he or she shows that (s)he is trustworthy. Both are necessary for repairing the rupture in the relationship.
Something else important is to balance the time you spend with your partner and family with time for yourself. We all need varying amounts of solitude, as well as time to spend with friends or pursue our own interests. Make the space in your partnership for each of you to continue your self development.
Finally, create a vision of what you want your relationship to be and hold onto it. Act in ways that honour your vision and that is what your relationship will be.
