"It could be worse," my wife has been known to say. "It could have been a red sports car and a young blonde."
Instead, I am settling into my mid-life crisis with a new bike. After years of mocking the spandex set from the comfort of my dual-suspension mountain bike, I have joined the dark side and bought myself a brand-spanking new road bike.
And, although I'm reluctant to admit it after the years derision I've heaped on road riders, I'm loving it. Who knew that skinny tires and big gears could be so much fun?
So I have to accept it one more time: I was wrong. But that's a thing about getting older; it's easier to admit that you simply were wrong about some things.
There was a time when I thought I had it all figured out, but now I just walk through life mostly befuddled. The firm ground of certainty has given way to a quicksand of doubt.
It's not necessarily a bad thing. I think that stepping back and re-evaluating what's important in life from time to time can be healthy. Being shaken from complacency may be uncomfortable, but it can lead to a better place.
I know that there have been times in the past -getting married and the birth of my children, for example -where my world view changed. Times when I started to think about things in a fundamentally different way. And I know that there will be times in the future when I'll have to do it again.
What makes this time different, though, is that instead of adding, mid-life is often a time when things are being removed. The kids move out; the career is waning; and the ways that we define ourselves, or find purpose, start to get a little nebulous.
Father? Teacher? Yeah, I'm still those things, but those titles aren't really as central to the way that I define myself as they once were. And so the vacuum must be filled.
It may be that I'm just being self-indulgent. We live in extraordinary wealth and comfort in North America, and I've been blessed with a charmed life. Shouldn't I just accept my good fortune and get on with it?
The danger with that kind of thinking is that life risks becoming a meaningless series of empty routines: Wake, go to work, eat, sleep, start over again. There has to be more to it than that. There better be. And shouldn't we strive to find out what other passions our lives hold for us? Don't we have an obligation to live life as fully as we can?
Just because I'm half-way through my life doesn't mean that I can't change. Old dogs may not be able to be taught new tricks, but middle-aged men certainly can be.
I have to discover new ways to think about myself, and I guess "roadie" looks to be one of them.
I've got my new bike. I'm getting some spandex. Hey, but at least I haven't started shaving my legs. Yet.
