I'm not ashamed to admit that in my lifetime I've met many people who have frightened and intimidated me.
I can recall at least a few teachers, one boss, and the occasional colleague who I wouldn't cross for any reason. But that was mostly momentary dread. It was easy enough to stay clear of the person knowing that time would take care of all.
But there's one person through my entire life who holds so much sway over me that even today, at 47 years old, I still fear her judgement: my mom.
I don't fear my mother in a Freddy Krueger kind of way, rather, I'm afraid -and have been all my life -of disappointing her. It's been a constant through my life; whenever I've made any major decision I've asked myself "What will Mom say?"
It's a curious kind of genius that mothers have, especially since I don't ever recall my mother telling me that what I had done was wrong or bad.
She's always been supportive even when I've made suspect choices, but she's got this look that, when she uses it, chills me to the bone.
When I see it, I know that she's not pleased, and since I was a child (and even now as an adult), I've tried to avoid that look.
It shouldn't be that way. I'm the fifth of six children, and my father spent much of his working life travelling, and so Mom was often the only parent looking after the brood.
By rights, by the time I rolled around, my mother should hardly have known of my existence. You'd think she would've been too tired after all those kids to have much interest in what I was doing.
Had I been in her situation, I would have spent most of my life after the fourth kid numbing the pain with bottles (or more likely, boxes) of chardonnay.
But, no, she was always there involved in everything. She did parent teacher-interviews every year even though the message never really changed (Paul doesn't really work to his ability).
She taxied me places even though I never thanked her. And she kept close tabs on my comings and goings, especially when I tried to hide them from her.
Most of all, she always was clear to me and my siblings about what was expected of us. Those expectations have carried me through a lot and informed many of my decisions in life.
My mom turns 80 this month, and she is now the matriarch of a thriving family that includes 16 grandchildren. And in many ways, each one of us -her children, the in-laws, and the grandchildren -try to live our lives in a way that she would approve of.
It is, I think, the greatest tribute that we, as children, can show our parents, that our respect for them is so great, that we care deeply about how they see us.
Of course, she's not unique. Like all moms, she wanted only the best for her children, and like most children we wanted to do the best for our mom.
So Happy Mother's Day to all moms - like or not, you're the reason that we are the way that we are.
