Ever since I saw clinical psychologist Shafali Tsabary's TedTalk on what she calls "conscious parenting," I've been intrigued to learn more about this woman and her philosophies. I jumped on the Internet and found she had a book called, no surprises, The Conscious Parent, with a foreward by the Dalai Lama himself.
Tsabary, who has a private practice in New York and earned her doctorate from Columbia University, integrates Eastern mindfulness and its teachings with Western psychology. To me, her mix is right on the money.
When I looked a little further I was thrilled to see she would be speaking at the end of February in Vancouver at the Simon Fraser campus of the Dalai Lama Centre downtown. The talk she would be giving was, of course, about The Conscious Parent, with a subhead of How to Rejuvenate Your Connection. The stars were lining up left, right and centre and I booked my ticket.
Tsabary suggests that as parents we are dictated by two or three emotional patterns established in our own childhood, and we are "abducted moment after moment by these emotions."
I'm certainly in no position to argue that one.
Is it not remarkable to be able to get through one day when our child does not do something to raise our ire? Often they possess some character trait or oft-exhibited behaviour that triggers us instantly the moment it surfaces. Why is that?
Tsabary insists that our children are our mirrors and that these reflex emotions are nothing more than unmet needs we must resolve for ourselves. She believes that the key to becoming a better parent is to shift the focus from parenting our children to parenting ourselves.
She is adamant that being capable of offering our children unconditional acceptance and love comes from having that ourselves. If we weren't given it the first go-round, now is the time to make up for it.
Topping the list of ways to go about this is to practise mindfulness daily, she said.
"To raise children consciously is both a daily and lifelong practise of becoming vigilant witnesses of our own unconsciousness. Each time we become aware of an element of unconscious behaviour, however small it may be, an energetic shift occurs," Tsabary writes. "As we catch ourselves in an unconscious moment and are able to detach from it, we expand our consciousness."
The key to this is in the word practise. Everyone knows that if you want to be a star hockey player, skilled novelist, or amazing chef, you need practise. So it follows that if you want to be mindful or conscious about your parenting and relationship with your child that you need practise.
Evidently, becoming a conscious parent isn't going to happen overnight, much to my chagrin.
So, if you happen to see me sitting in a parking lot with a van full of kids and a blessed-out, yet somewhat agitated look on my face, know that deep inside I am looking at the mirror my kids are presenting to me. And trying hard not to yell.
Kirsten Andrews offers courses, workshops and private consultations on Simplicity Parenting in the Corridor. For information like Sea to Sky Simplicity Parenting on Facebook, visit www.SeaToSkySimplicityParenting.com or email [email protected].
