Before I actually had kids, I thought the role of a father was to basically yell at your children when they did something wrong, to barbecue steaks and to watch hockey. At least, from my perspective at the time, that’s basically what I remembered my own father doing the majority of the time.
But then I had kids of my own, and I saw how they looked to me to name the things in the world and explain how things worked… and to protect them from the scary things in the closet and under the bed. And, I realized my job as a dad was a lot bigger than grilling meat and raising my voice.
The importance of what I do and how I act was driven home of late with all the publicity surrounding Brock Turner, the 20-year-old recently convicted of rape. The news stories talked a lot about white privilege and how the former Stanford University swimmer was given a lenient six-month sentence for raping an unconscious woman behind a dumpster after a frat party. But the thing that struck me the most was the letter to the judge from the boy’s father asking for leniency. In the letter, the father says that since the rape occurred, his son can’t enjoy the things he previously did, like steak, and how the experience was going to ruin his life. He said his son shouldn’t get a harsh sentence for only “20 minutes of action.”
I read that letter, disgust and anger boiling in my veins, and I knew why Brock acted the way he did. He learned the lack of responsibility, sense of privilege and lack of respect for others from his father. As has been said all over the Internet and via news outlets, the father in this case forgets that his son is not the victim here; he was the aggressor. He caused the situation. And the father even minimizes the entire thing with the “only 20 minutes of action” crack. He later in the letter states his son should not go to jail and would be better going around talking about the dangers of alcohol and sexual promiscuity… neither of which have anything to do with raping an unconscious person behind a dumpster. In his plea for his son, the father revealed just why things went so very wrong with Brock.
The job of a father is to teach their children to be responsible, functioning adults who contribute to their communities. When I stole a piece of bubble gum at the age of six, my father marched me down to the store to apologize (cheeks flushed with embarrassment) in front of everyone in front of the store. And I got a spanking when I got home, too. He taught me that no matter how painful or hard, you had to be the bigger person, admit your mistakes, own up to them and make it right again. He told me that the only thing you can ever really leave behind was what people thought of you – a reputation was golden.
I hope I’ve lived up to that ideal over the years and imparted some of that to my own offspring. I try to show them, through my own relationship with my wife, how to treat and respect a partner, how to show love, and how to admit when you’re wrong. Because how your children act and how they treat others is a reflection of what they see and are taught by their parents.
So, while I can indeed grill a mean steak and I do enjoy watching hockey, I relish being a role model and nurturer for my children and watching them develop into the responsible adults I know they will become. It’s the priceless reward for working hard at the toughest job you’ll ever love.
Happy Father’s Day, everyone.
