Have you ever reacted to something someone said or did and later wished you hadn't?
Reactivity can cause numerous problems in our lives, so one of the tasks people tackle in psychotherapy is how to manage it.
Learning about it and managing it are also two of the central concepts in Pema Chodron's new book, "Taking the Leap: Freeing Ourselves from Old Habits and Fears."
Reactivity is called "shenpa," which is the process of being hooked by our own thoughts or emotions and reacting in ways that continue the cycle of suffering -our own or someone else's.
When shenpa is activated you would experience a tightening in your body, a drawing towards or away, and you act in order to escape that feeling of discomfort.
That reaction creates the subsequent problems. Examples might be something as simple as an escalating disagreement among family members over whose turn it is to wash the dishes, someone turning to drugs to escape feelings of shame or guilt, or as complicated as a nation lashing at another one with warfare or acts of terrorism.
It isn't difficult to think of times in our own lives when we acted out shenpa or were taken over by our reactivity and created pain.
The good news is that there are ways to break the cycle. Pema Chodron is very clear that we always have a choice in how we respond. The first step is to accept that we all struggle with shenpa. It is part of our humanity.
Rather than trying to escape from whatever our feelings are, she suggests that we stay present and accept them -and she includes staying present for shenpa itself.
Acknowledge that you are hooked and allow your natural curiosity to examine whatever you are feeling. The key here is to be gentle and compassionate in your examination and allow yourself to really know and be humbled by your humanity, linking you to everyone else who has the same struggles.
Once you have examined it, relax and let it go. And that is it.
Chodron recommends three steps.
Step one: Acknowledge that you are hooked (with humour if possible).
Step two: Pause, take three conscious breaths and lean into the energy. Experience it fully. Get curious about it. How does it feel in your body? What thought does it give birth to (with kindness)?
Step 3: Let it go, relax and move on.
Like many Buddhist practices, it is simple, but it isn't easy to do. However, can you imagine what the world would be like if we all practised this, even imperfectly?
We have opportunities to practise managing shenpa every day. If you decide to try, the best of luck to you. Remember managing shenpa even once is worth celebrating.
Focus upon any success you have in stopping your own strongly held, habitual reactions. Those we've all been practising for years.
If you would like to read the book, which I highly recommend, it is available at the Squamish Public Library.
