When I was 12, my best friend’s mom gave me a pin. I thought it was cool. It was the gold colour of Men At Work’s album Business As Usual, but instead the badge — a square turned on its side — sported bold black letters that read “Women At Work.” Predictably, the international symbol for “woman” took the place of the “O.”
I had a lot of respect for this woman. She worked, she ran a big house with lots of kids, was overtly concerned with politics, and spent much of her time creating change within our city.
My friend’s mom would sometimes slow down just long enough to tell us about what she was working on — and how important it was. She encouraged us to join her guests in the sitting room when they were having conversations about reproductive health and other women’s rights.
She always pushed for her daughter and I to take on roles of leadership in school, to get involved and “be the change” — though I’m not sure she was literally quoting Gandhi, it might have been more of a Parachute Club lyric. She was also the first person to tell me The Big Fat Lie: that girls can do it all.
Before we hit puberty, we were told that if girls wanted to be successful doctors or lawyers, we could do it. We could be politicians, CEOs, CFOs, you name it — the sky was the limit. Having a family was not only secondary. It wasn’t even mentioned.
Perhaps it wasn’t so much an overt lie, but rather a lie by omission. Everyone I was mentored by when I was a teenager in the ’80s — teacher, guidance counsellor, or family friend, man or woman — failed to mention that if I wanted to “have it all,” there would be a cost.
A cost to me, my partner, and ultimately the children I hoped to have.
So it’s not surprising that I am now in my 40s and struggling to find what, laughingly, we have come to know as work-life balance. Where is the balance in raising two children, keeping a home, nurturing a relationship with my husband while fostering complicated career options?
I was fortunate to have an exciting career, actually several, before becoming a mother. I feel blessed to have a beautiful family, but I have to admit it’s a challenge to fully enjoy what I have with such a deep-seated sense of obligation to be everything to everyone all of the time.
Italy’s Member of the European Parliament Licia Ronzulli may find it satisfying to take her kid to work while voting on international bills, but I don’t want my career life spilling over into nurturing for my children. I can’t be present with my child when I’m scrambling eggs, never mind passing a resolution on common currency.
I appreciate the idea of empowering young women so they know their options, so long as ALL the options are laid out for them with a healthy dose of reality thrown in for good measure.
Kirsten Andrews offers Simplicity Parenting courses, workshops and private consultations. Visit Sea To Sky Simplicity Parenting on Facebook or www.SeaToSkySimplicityParenting.com.
